Attack of the Big-Buxomed Bikinied Bimbos Part II
[insert John Williams title theme]
It was
a dark time
for planet Earth
The mad scientist, Edward
and his loyal assistant, Alice
were on the verge of World Domination
and had just received advanced technology
from the Amfetameen spacemen Kwaylude and Valeeum.
MEANWHILE,
THE AMFETAMEEN FLEET
MASSES NEAR THE STAR SIRIUS
AND IS INTENT ON RECOVERING ITS
MISSING TECHNOLOGY
[end John Williams title theme]
Amfetameen Attacks!
Her name was Aseetominofen and she was Fleet Admiral of the 5th Imperial Amfetameen Matriarchical Military Fleet. By reputation she was the most efficient, the meanest, the most merciless and simply the best poker player in the Empire and so Empress Areethromysin, assuming that meant she had some tactical ability, promoted her to her current rank. Fortunetly for Areethromysin the admiral actually was a brilliant and aggressive military genius. She also had a notoriously bad temper. The story of how she had beaten her rival, Admiral Ro-Gayne, into a bloody pulp using only her bare hands and a chimney broom was well known in the fleet and the subject of much discussion. No one had any idea where a chimney broom had come from on a starship.
Aseetominofen sat in her command chair examining her nails as the six Sub-Admirals stood stiffly at attention, fearful of bring down their commander's wrath upon themselves.
"Now, I know you all are close friends who would never consider betraying one another and I would not dream of asking you to do so. Knowing this, I'll ask you all to explain how some males managed to mutiny and steal a scoutship."
"It was Kokayne's fault."
"...she did it..."
"...let the little beggars get away, she did..."
"...and we tried to stop her but she wouldn't listen..."
"...yep, all her fault..."
The Fleet Admiral turned and stared at the aforementioned and terrified out of her blue skin Kokayne. The Sub-Admiral seemed to wilt under the gaze and swallowed.
"Kokayne, I expect you to recover that ship immediately."
"Yes Fleet Admiral."
Despite the situation she had to admire her small fleet as she approached Missionary Position. The large, round cruiser was impressively large, topped by the small bulge of the main bridge. The destroyers orbited around the larger ship and shared the same general outline. None of that phallic symbolism some of the other Sub-Admirals had in their ships, Kokayne thought with pride. Let every other intelligent space-faring race in the galaxy think that the Amfetameen avoidance of long, thin objects was an amusing parochial hang-up. Sure it had taken them eight times as long to get into space because they refused to build cylindrical rockets and even longer to get something that could fly fast. So what if the best shape for atmospheric flight as determined by the laws of physics was long and round and had stuff shooting out of one end? The Amfetameen Matriarchy could not let facts get in the way of its holy crusade to rid the galaxy of the male dominance that had suppressed the female Spirit of the Universe for so long.
Of course, since the Amfetameen did not use guns (long cylindrical objects that shot stuff out of the end) they had a difficult time convincing other species to surrender and adopt their ways. Yet they had, Kokayne included, hardened themselves against the hysterical laughter that greeted their demands for surrender.
Commander Minoxodell had waited three minutes inside the airlock for her superior to return and might have actually been there when she arrived had she remembered that the airlock was depressurized prior to docking. She was recovering nicely in sickbay. Subcommander Kayopektate stood in her place (beside the airlock; Amfetameen warriors are quick learners) and greeted the Sub-Admiral.
"We have located the mutineers, Sub-Admiral."
"Where?"
"A planet approximately 9 light-years from here, Earth."
Kokayne looked thoughtful. "That name sounds familiar."
"Class 3 civilization, male dominant."
"Aha! We can accomplish two missions at once and I can regain my standing in front of the Fleet Admiral. Prepare the group for hyperspatialsuperluminaryfasterthan- light speed. We leave at once!"
"He sucks," Valeeum concluded.
He received a cuff on the back of the head. "That is my master you're talking about," Alice scolded. Then she dove out of the way as the hover-tank skidded across the yard and buried its nose into another building. Brushing herself off she watched the tank rock back and forth, scraping and pulling more brick down on itself.
"But you're right, he does suck."
She ran off to offer assistance to Edward leaving Kwaylude and Valeeum alone.
"I can't believe we're depending on him to save us from Aseetominofen."
"What can we do? He's got that weapon. We try something, wham! it's d-cup city for us. Our best bet is to help him win."
"Hmmm. All those women serving us for a change. I'd get Aseetominofen to give me a massage. Boy, would that relieve headaches!"
"I'd enjoy banging Sub-Admiral Morfeen myself. You know, they say that once you start having her, you just can't stop."
After several hours, three demolished buildings and five overturned vehicles Edward seemed to get the hang of moving in a straight line. He announced that he was pleased in his pretend-you-actually-appreciate-what-someone-else-did voice and returned to the control room to supervise the mounting of a portable ORGASM on the tank.
Kwaylude and Valeeum returned to the building that Edward had designated as their quarters. Scores of scantily clad and naked women were eagerly awaiting their arrival. Forgetting their trouble for a moment the two fat aliens plunged into the ocean of soft female flesh that awaited them and dreamed of being masters of the entire galaxy.
"Can I be the hero?"
NO.
"Oh come on. With everything you've made me do I deserve a bit of a break."
BE QUIET AND KEEP WALKING.
"Yeah yeah yeah, just like a tyrant. 'Do this', 'Do that', 'Pledge allegiance to a hormone crazed sociopath with delusions of grandeur'. No, never anything that I want."
I SAID BE QUIET.
"I don't even look like a typical heroine you dream up."
SHUT UP.
"Oh go on, try and deny it. What's your typical female character like? Tall, cut and looks something like Rachel MacLish or Cory Everson with red hair and an IQ of 200. It's too bad Heinlein died. He would've loved your female characters."
I'M WARNING YOU...
"Tall, genius Amazons who hop into bed at the drop of a hat. 'Yeah, I just slayed three million monsters, wanna screw?'. Yep, that's the typical line from your female characters."
IF I HEAR ONE MORE WORD...
"At least Eddie Glover doesn't pretend he's telling a story about anything except chicks with big hooters and the guys who turn into them, not like you Mister Let's-Hide-My- Testosterone-Fantasies-Behind-Literary-Pretensions..."
Alice struggled out of the tarpit and stared in dismay at how the animal skin that made up her bikini top and bottom was streaked with the oily residue. Grug, her mate, watched with a stupid expression on his neanderthalic face and grunted in arousal at how she looked with oil streaked across her smooth skin. Suddenly a saber-tooth tiger jumped out from the bush it was hiding behind. From the opposite direction a tyrannosaurus ran at her, both looking at her with jaws open and hunger in their eyes...
"I apologize! I apologize!"
Alice dusted the dust off her clothes and started walking again with a sullen expression on her face, mumbling.
"Stupid Author pushing me around stupid costume moron doesn't know saber-tooth tigers and dinosaurs didn't live at the same time..."
A bright light rose above the mountains to the west and sped across the sky toward Alice. She waited impatiently.
"Another flying hamburger? You haven't eaten yet or something?"
I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO A STORY WITH SILVERFISH. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SILVERFISH...
"Lousy writer no sense of humor..."
The Amfetameen shuttle landed and Kokayne disembarked, surrounded by her guards. She kicked the dirt disdainfully and crinkled up her nose.
"No wonder no one wants this garbage pit. No plants, no life at all."
"I believe that is because this is a desert, Sub- Admiral."
"I knew that." Kokayne looked around and spotted Alice. "Ho, natives. Let's not try to frighten it."
Kokayne raised her arms in what she hoped was a peaceful gesture (and what everyone else in the known galaxy took as a sign of surrender, given the renowned Amfetameen battle prowess). The native (female, Kokayne noted in relief, therefore of high intelligence by definition) stood her ground.
"We friends," Kokayne said, making an embracing gesture. "We come from stars." She pointed skyward. "Heap long distance far away."
Alice shook her head at how ridiculous the blue- skinned alien woman looked.
"She doesn't understand," one of the guards offered.
"Let's dissect her to see how she works," suggested another.
"That's inhuman!" exclaimed a third.
"We aren't human."
"Oh. Right."
Alice coughed. "Ahem. Are you finished?"
"She speaks English! Come to think of it, why in the name of the Great Mother's Menstrual Flow do we speak English?"
"Everyone in the galaxy speaks English, you goof. And all the bad guys speak it with a British accent. You never see 'Star Wars'?"
"Um, don't we have British accents?"
"Quiet," Kokayne ordered. "Earth person, we sake renegades males, worthless males about this high."
"Are two of them named Kwaylude and Valeeum?"
"Yes!"
"Never heard of them."
"Oh. That's odd. There seems to be an energy signature coming from your head."
"Oh that's my, uh, built in calculator."
"Guards, seize the human!"
Two beefy Amfetameens seized Alice and held her while Kokayne examined her with a scanner.
"A personality control device. Devious. Easy enough to adjust like...so."
"...at the Copa, Copacabana..."
"Change it! Change it!"
Alice shook her head and looked around with a dull glaze in her eyes. "Huh huh. Blue babes. Huh huh. Cool."
"Well that certainly screwed her up."
"Huh huh. You said screw. Huh huh."
"Might I suggest an adjustment like...so, your Sub- Admiralship?"
"Hunh? What? Hey...I'm me again. I'm not loyal to that disgusting troll! I hate his guts!"
"Tell me, primitive Earth-human, who did this to you?"
"Listen you technicolor bimbette, I am not primitive. And the guy who did this to me is..." A sly look swept over Alice's face. "If I help you catch those two will you help me?"
Kwaylude and Valeeum turned off the remote viewer and mulled over the information they had gathered.
"It was wise you took the precaution of observing the human female Alice."
"It was an obvious thing to do. You know the fixation the Author has on strong female characters. It was inevitable that she would not remain subservient."
"So what do we do now?"
Kwaylude lifted his hand. A key glittered in the dim light.
"The key to the ORGASM control! How did you get it?"
"Earth humans are stupid. Now, shall we go?"
Kokayne assembled her assault team around the prison. The armed Amfetameen troops set up portable laser cannons and mortars with an enthusiasm she had not seen them display in ages. It probably had something to do with facing an outnumbered enemy with inferior technology and no hope of assistance. That sort of thing did not happen often in the Amfetameen military.
Alice gave them the coordinates to the ORGASM control center and she felt a wave of satisfaction and relief as the fireball erupted in a brilliant pink flash. She pumped her arm and snarled "Yes!"
Edward came running out. "Loyal Alice! What have you done?"
"Eat me, jerkoff. I'm working with the Sub-Admiral here. I'm helping them get their two slug-boys back and then they're going to take over the planet and I'm going to help them."
There were screams from somewhere to Alice's right and she saw Amfetameen troops scatter as the hover tank roared into view. Valeeum's head was stuck out the driver's hatch while Kwaylude rode the turret wearing a cowboy hat. A Confederate flag fluttered from an antenna and the deafening chords of "Ride of the Valkyries" shattered the night air. The main cannon rotated around and fired a burst of pink light that enveloped a platoon of warriors. They broke into a fit of giggling and comparing nail polish.
"No!" Alice and Kokayne cried in unison. The big gun began to track toward their position.
"Run away! Run away!"
Edward looked around in confusion and saw his two alien assistants.
"Kwaylude! Valeeum! Over here!"
Kwaylude paused with his hand over the trigger. "You know, it would be sort of rotten to do it."
"More babes," Valeeum reminded him.
"Say bye bye to Mister Happy," Kwaylude called out to Edward and fired the gun. The hovertank turned and went in pursuit of the fleeing Alice and Kokayne.
Aseetominofen frowned at the scene the spysat recorded. Not only had Kokayne failed to recapture the renegades she now appeared to be feeding them some form of native fruit wearing nothing but a few small pieces of cloth.
"Kokaine not only defeated but enslaved. An embarrassment to the Amfetameen Matriarchy." She sighed. "Prepare the invasion fleet."
"You are a jerk."
WHAT DID I DO?
"You set me up!"
SO?
"So? So! You ignorant, obnoxious..."
I FORGET. DO SILVERFISH HAVE SIX OR EIGHT LEGS?
"Oooooooooo. I'll get you. I'll get Larry Niven to give me a good story."
UN-HUH. LIKE TEELA BROWN?
"Yeah! Author control. Now that was a character trait!"
TEELA BROWN BECAME A LARGE HUMANOID WITH A BEAK, BONY CREST ON THE HEAD, OVERSIZED JOINTS AND A BAD ATTITUDE. OH YEAH, AND HE KILLED HER.
"Well, I'll get someone."
I UNDERSTAND EDDIE GLOVER IS LOOKING FOR CHARACTERS...
"No! Anything but that!"
THEN BEHAVE YOURSELF.
Alice lurked in the bushes and cursed authors of all sorts. Still it was better than being in a Chalker story. She would have been someone's sex slave at least by the end of Part One if he'd been writing.
She needed a plan...
The prison exploded with brilliant blue explosions as Amfetameen assault ships descended on the desert. Alice watched in amazement as female troops overran the position, seized the two aliens, destroyed the ORGASM and vanished into the sky.
"What the hell was that?"
THE END.
"What?! What kind of ending was that?"
ARE YOU COMPLAINING?
"Your damn right I'm complaining! You put me through all that and you don't provide a satisfying ending!"
HMM. YOU MIGHT HAVE A POINT THERE. THAT WASN'T REALLY QUITE RIGHT...
One final explosion lit the night sky and a red fireball arced out of the remains of the prison and landed on top of Alice. She looked down in shock and saw that she was at least six feet tall and had long red hair.
THAT'S BETTER.
"I hate you."