Camelot Schmamelot

by Anonymous

It was on a hot, and rather arid day that young David marched down the dusty street, on an unstoppable route to the comic shop. David was in his late teens, 17 years of age yet he adored comics. The only problem was, he was also a bit of a... well face it he was a brat.

Storming into the comic store, one would think it had been a hurricane that hit. He threw the door open with such force the bell on it nearly busted in twain. The clerk behind the counter shuddered in disgust but minded his manners as the scowling David patrolled the isles in search of his next comic.

With a long, and sporatic pattern David plundered and razed the rows, continuing throughout them with his ominous chanting "Read it, read it, read it, read it, read it......" and thereby discarding each viewed comic carelessy to the floor. The clerk was a bit too kind-hearted to do anything to the boy, but the shop had recently gotten a new owner.

David stopped, and looked up from his little reign of terror when he was met by a loud AHEM and the sight of a heavy plaid shirt. Looking up, David's eyes met with those of towering new owner. David put on his best smile, and beamed at him.

"Just WHAT do you think you're doing?"

"Oh....just....err....browsing....?"

"Mmm-hmmm....."

David felt himself break into a sweat as the owner stared him down cold and hard. He gulped as the man raised his arm, and pointed down the isle.

"Now I suggest you start cleaning, before I give your parents the bill. And I doubt you want that to happen now do you?"

David shook his head silently, then, with great disgruntilization, went to work picking up the tattered remains of his frenzy.

Later...

The clerk stood above the tired out form of David. He was leaning against a lower shelf, exhausted from working so long and hard. Who would have imagined it was sooo many comics he threw down? And he had to put them in alphabetical order!

The clerk merely shook his head in pity, then patted David on the head.

"I'll tell you what. I'll finish up cleaning for you, if you do something for me...."

David's eyes lit up.

"Yes??"

The clerk handed him an old, dusty book.

"Read this."

David pondered this for a moment, and looked at the clerk confused. He then shrugged, grinned, and ran out waving behind him all in one motion.

The clerk chuckled softly, and with a simple gesture of his hand the comics floated on their own to the shelves. David had a surprise in store for him......

That Night....

David sat up in bed, unable to get to sleep. On the distant dressertop, he spotted the book from the clerk. Sighing discontently, he dragged his feet over, snatched it up, then brought it back to his bed under a dim lamp.

The book was bound in thick, and obviously quite old leather, and had many strange inscriptions on it. David opened it, and began flipping through some of the pages. This was wierd... The pages were blank!

David scowled, then tossed it against a wall. 'Stupid clerk' he thought, 'What the hell do I do with an empty book???'

He grunted in dissatisfaction, and laid back down. Soon afterwards, he fell asleep.....

As he slept, perhaps by some strange cosmic disalignment, or maybe just because the book had a lot of magic on it, the room glowed a dull blue tone. The book began to emmit a low humming noise, which grew louder and awoke the slumbering teen.

"What the hell?......"

There was a flash of light, and David had a falling sensation. Blinking and covering his eyes from the bright sunlight, David found himself roughly 50ft in the air above a desert. Obviously, he did what nearly every human would do. He screamed, and fell. Fell like a rock.

Sitting up in a daze, David shook about to get sand out of his night shirt and boxer shorts. He peered around, and groaned in futility. He was in a desert, he was hot, it was day, and he was damned if he knew what was going on. So he stood up, brushed himself off, and did the only thing reasonable at the time.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

Later that afternoon....

David was dehydrated, and lying there for many hours. He vaguely remembered walking...then crawling...then collapsing...

His mouth was parched and dry, and his eyes shot from the sun's rays. He rolled to one side, and let out an exhasperated gasp into the sand. All was lost. He'd never see his family, he'd never see home, he'd ne---- What was that?

He quickly sat up and rubbed his eyes, looking more closly off at the horizon. It was men on horseback!

David jumped to his feet quickly, and began bouncing about waving his arms and screaming frantically to get their attention.

Sure enough, they started on they're way.

David smiled, and started running towards them. He was saved!

But wait-- No! They were... DRAWING THEIR SWORDS!!!

David let out a surprised screech, and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction. He head the whirling of a bolas, a throw, then tasted some more sand as he fell face first into a sand dune, whereafter he was roughly hefted up and knocked over the head with a sword hilt.

A long while and several headaches later....

Cold water was poured over his head and he sputtered violently.

"C'mon boy! Come to yer senses!!"

David coughed a few times, then opened his eyes. He saw in front of him a large intricatly carved throne, and seated upon it was gasp! a king! The man smirked at the dripping David, then whispered something to his apparent advisor. The man nodded, then quickly shuffled off.

"Well, m'boy. Who are you, what are you doing in my lands, and why are you clothed so strangely?"

David blinked, and looked around him. The room was filled with well dressed men and women alike, and looked quite fancy indeed. He had died and gone to england! This -had- to be some cheesy dream.

"I'm the pope, I was picking strawberries, and I am dressed this way because I am actually a spy."

David smirked. The bad part was, the king didn't.

"Lying whelp! I gave you a chance, and you give me insolence. You most likely -are- a spy however, and for that I must imprison you. Guards, to the dungeon!"

A huge armored man picked David up heftily by the neck, and he began to choke.

"STOP!!!"

The entire room turned to look at a man in robes off to a far corner.

"He is the prophesized one, we must treat him with respect!"

The king looked astonished.

"Are you sure???"

The old man nodded, and smacked the guard on the head with a thick scroll. The guard gently placed David down, then nodded humbly.

"I am sorry my liege, please forgive me..."

David grinned. This was a very interesting dream indeed...

"I will... But first you have to go off into the desert and... go on a quest or something!"

David laughed, but apparently the guard took him seriously and ran off.

He looked lazily at the king.

"So, what is this place?"

"This, prophesized one, is CAMELOT!"

"Camelot? Pfft. Looks pathetic."

The king looked horrified, but David simply turned, and started walking out of the room. The king stuttered after him.

"Wait! Aren't you going to help save our lands prophesized one???"

"What? Yeah, right. Go climb a tree you losers..."

The old man's face grew red, and he stormed up to David.

"You are most obviously not the prophesized one. You are simply evil, cruel and greedy... So, you shall be cursed to look as such as well!"

David cocked one eyebrow.

"Pfft. You dont scare me old man. I can take you right now and all your little friends..."

David resumed his course towards the door, and heard the old man beggining to chant behind him.

David felt a pain in his stomach, and he started to hunch over. With each step toward sthe door, the pain got worse. Onlookers, however, saw more than just a cringing teen. Light reddish brown scales began to form along David's skin, and his clothing creaked under an increasing mass.

His muscles steadily grew, as did the rest of his body. The back of his boxer shorts ripped open, spilling a long and thick tail onto the floor. David gasped, and started hurrying faster to the door. His feet started reforming, becoming larger, becoming digitigrade, and causing David to stumble tremensly.

His face creaked as hit began to slowly meld it's way into a long snout. His arms shrunk down a bit into some compact muscles, and his body continued to gain large amounts of mass. His teeth pointed into visciously pointed canines, as his night shirt fell tattered to the floor revealing budding wings. David barely managed to squeeze through the 'shrinking' door as he stumbled, ever changing.

His fingers grew long, wicked claws as did the ends of his enormously proportioned feet and toes. His tail ballooned out into more mass to counterweight his mighty form. Twin ivory horns spiralled from his head as his body hair quickly fell out. His stomach and underside covered in thick armored scales that were in large plates and smooth to the touch, whilst the rest of his body was covered in many small rough pieces.

He let out a roar of discomfort as his innards shifted and melded, and a fireball spluttered from his throat. His wings unfolded into their full glory, and his body finished up it's rearanging. The onlookers from the castle parapets watched as David took to flight, and headed into the distance. The old man sighed, and shook his head.

"He'll come back with a horde and attack camelot soon you know..."

The king let out an abrupt Pfft and looked shocked at the wizard.

"Camelot Schmamelot! Make me a dragon too!"

Camelot Schmamelot copyright 1998 by Anonymous.